The Top Ten Reasons Bangs Are Better Than Botox

Another beautiful day in balmy Minnesota and I suddenly find myself in the demographic most likely to seek Botox treatment.  I’m not precisely sure how this happened.  One minute I’m a dewy-skinned makeup-eschewing Oberlin co-ed, and the next I’m staring at the raccoon eyes in the mirror wondering what the heck happened.  Besides the black circles and spatterpaint freckling, my most prominent age-related skin issue is a set of railroad wrinkles between my eyebrows.  I first noted this alarming development a decade ago.  It seems that when I concentrate hard and actively listen to another human being, I frown.  Oh dear.

I immediately enacted a plan of prevention and remediation.  The plan was simple enough for me to follow, involving only two words: DON’T FROWN.  This worked for a while.  But the years chased after me like a school of piranhas, nipping at my Achilles tendons.

My friend Marc Andrew of Studio 306 took this picture a couple summers ago. 

When I saw the original, my eyes landed directly on the quotation marks between the brows.  Marc, I said.  Uh, could you, um, do anything about the, you know, like MAKE THEM GO AWAY!!!!!  And he did.

Photoshop is all well and good until the piranhas of time munch their way up to your gastrocnemius.  I carefully weighed my options and decided it was time to pull out the big guns.

I got bangs.

* For the record, my bangs pre-dated Michelle Obama’s and Kim K’s. *

Man, you can sure see that raccoon situation.  No, I’m not wearing purple eyeshadow under my eyes.  (I need to learn how to use iPhoto.)

Here are the top ten reasons bangs are better than Botox:

10) Bangs cover a multitude of sins.  Botox only deals with wrinkles.

9) Bang mistakes can be easily camouflaged with a hat.  Botox errors require a ski mask.

8) A Botox treatment can set you back $500 and must be repeated every three to six months.  Thank you, I’d rather spend $2000 a year on fair trade sustainably harvested ethically farmed frou frou artisan chocolate.

7) Bang maintenance does not involve needles.  If it does, you should seek out a different hairstylist.

6) This is Matty of Moxie Hair Salon on Grand Avenue.

Matty is adorable.  He tells fascinating travel stories, massages my neck, and gives me nice mushy hugs.  And he cuts my hair.  Matty is far better than Botox.

5) In Minnesota, it’s socially acceptable to admit you got bangs.

4) Bangs do not cause muscle paralysis, headache, rash, or allergic reactions.

3) It’s still possible to look angry, happy, confused, amorous, sad, perplexed, joyful, and irate after getting bangs.  Preservation of facial expression is particularly useful for parents of small children.

2) Bangs keep your forehead warm, a lovely perk during the long Minnesota winter.  With Botox, your poor forehead muscles can’t even shiver because they’re paralyzed.

And finally…

1) Bangs of the hair-type aren’t monitored by the NSA, FDA, NRA, GOP, or AMA.

I’m not sure how long I’ll continue the bang tango.  For now, I’m enjoying the dance.