Yo, Normal Risk Fifty-year-olds

HI.  Are you a normal risk 50 or soon-to-be?  Did your doctor say to you last year, “Yeah, you might want to think about scheduling that screening colonoscopy.”?  The American Cancer Society upped the anal ante last year and decided to recommend starting routine screening at 45.  We’d blown through the high deductible on our health insurance so I’m like, fun, let’s do this in 2018.

The Prep.  Ace was traumatized by the prep to the point that he breaks out in hives whenever anyone so much as whispers, “Gatorade…”  I hate putting petroleum byproducts into my body anyhow and  I’d heard rumors that a person could use coconut water as the vehicle for the medication cesspool heretofore known as “Satan’s Wrath.”

I bought an experimental bottle of coconut water at Target.  I rejected the fancy foo foo expensive refrigerated version and opted for the budget shelf-stable box.  I called the GI clinic to make sure this substitution was copacetic.  The nurse said, nope.  I asked why.  She said coconut water doesn’t have the necessary nutrients to keep a person hydrated during the cleanse.  Sounded like a copout to me.

I sat down with a bottle of Gatorade and a jug of budget coconut water and pounded out the math.  Turns out coconut water has plenty of everything including a TON of potassium.  Potassium isn’t one of those eat-as-much-as-you-want substances.  Too much potassium can literally make your heart stop.  The Big E was like, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you died because you wouldn’t drink the Gatorade?” and I’m like, no, that wouldn’t be funny at all.  I chatted with a renal doc b/c the kidneys are responsible for dealing with electrolyte balance.  Is it okay to chug gallons of coconut water, the equivalent of a bajillion milliequivalents of potassium?  She said, well, there have been reports of blahblahblah and at that point I went back to Target, returned the three other bottles of coconut water, and bought me some infant Pedialyte (with no artificial whatevers).

If you’re still interested in the coconut water, perhaps just as a refreshing beverage, let me offer you my own personal recipe so you don’t have to spend the cash:

Ingredients: 1 goat, 1 garden hose (try to schedule your colonoscopy May-Oct to avoid frozen pipes), bucket

Directions: Procure one full-sized goat.  Set goat on water-permeable surface such as grass.  Hold goat’s left front hoof over bucket.  Procure one assistant.  Well, you really should’ve procured one assistant at the start of this mess.  Ask assistant to spray the goat’s left front hoof over the bucket.  If water begins to run clear, switch to a different hoof.  Return goat.  Take “coconut water” back inside and proceed with colon cleanse directions.

I’m delighted to report that the Pedialyte cleanse went just fine.  My best advice to you is PLAN TO DO NOTHING because you’ll be #MostlyPooping.  I selected a woman gastroenterologist (whose dad taught me pharmacology at the U), kissed Ace goodbye in the waiting room, lay on my left side, thought “Hm, it would’ve been nice if the nurse anesthetist had mentioned she was about to dose me with…  woah, that feels weird.”  And next thing I knew, I was lying in the recovery area.  I smiled at Ace and said, “Hi Adam!”

Colon = normal.  Good luck y’all.  Call if you want to complain about the prep.   xoxo.

Musical Moment


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