Updated Weather Report for Saint Paul, MN

The city of Saint Paul has declared a snot emergency in effect until noon Friday.  Additionally, the dangerous fever and chills advisory issued this morning will remain in effect until three am.  Please check our webpage for a list of school closings due to affliction.

A rhinovirus cold front from the North collided with coronavirus-contaminated air from the Southeast yesterday, resulting in unparalleled levels of mucous production not seen since last winter.  Nighttime snot plow routes will include the maxillary sinuses.  Snot emergency routes will be plowed beginning with the right side.

Expect increasing gusts of sneezing and squalls of headache as the thermometric pressure rises on Friday.  Nose conditions will be poor Saturday, with areas of swollen reddened mucosa, cracking, and bleeding.  Plan for cloudy thinking with a three-hour delay in efficiency.

A fleet of Neti pots will wash all nasal passages by early Sunday.  Position your nasal turbinates appropriately to avoid damage.

The extended forecast is snotty with a chance of pain.  Early in the week, we’ll see ongoing precipitation, with supersaturated nasal tissue resulting in chronic drizzle.  Plan accordingly with a snot emergency box in your car: tissues, lozenges, and chicken soup.  Anticipate clearing toward the end of the week as immune titers rise.

Please take your used tissues to city collection sites for snot processing.  The materials will be spun down to constituent immune globulins.  Thank you for assisting Saint Paul with recycling efforts.

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