The Seven Banned Words of Trump

I thought he was kidding.  My husband asked, “Hey, did you see that tiny blurb in the Star Tribune about Trump banning the CDC from using certain words?”  What?  After nearly a year of madness, I shouldn’t be surprised.

According to multiple news sources, the Trump administration informed the Centers for Disease Control that they can’t use “transgender,” “fetus,” “evidence-based,” “science-based,” “vulnerable,” “diversity,” and “entitlement” in next year’s budget documentation.

The reasons for this latest assault on Reason, Science, and Humanity were not stated.  They don’t need to be stated.  The Narcissist in Charge is merely continuing his fascist, anti-choice, racist, opinion-based, homo- and transphobic agenda.

12,000 people work for the CDC.  I guarantee that the least intelligent CDC employee is smarter than the president.  Geez, what a nightmare.  But just in case the CDC workers wish to focus less on linguistics and more on science, I’ll offer up some substitutions for easy insertion into documents.

Instead of “transgender,” try “queer.”  Related but not necessarily synonymous, this quick-change will certainly produce some headscratching amongst the anti-facters.  For added effect, be sure to utilize “queer” in other contexts, as in “The color of the acid bath looked a bit queer after we dipped Trump’s head in it.”

“Fetus” is a very specific medical term that describes the post-embryonic, pre-newborn products of conception.  I suggest using a code-word to throw off the #AlternativeFacts folks.  “Gerbil” could work well.  Embed some links that toss readers out to #TotesAdorbs home videos.  Here’s an example: “A gerbil is not a person.”

“Evidence-based” and “science-based.”  Hm.  What to do.  Heaven forbid that any aspects of policy and budget should involve actual facts.  As an initial management strategy, try “facts derived from scientific study” or “data discerned from the rigorous systematic evaluation of prospective randomized controlled trials.”  Might do the trick.

“Vulnerable”?  #seriously?  I think of this in the context of the “vulnerable adult.”  Why would you want to put a muzzle on discussion of vulnerable adults?  Fortunately, we have a plethora of synonyms available including “at-risk,” “endangered,” “susceptible,” “exposed.”  Upon further reflection, perhaps Trump banned this word b/c he can’t bear the thought of ever being vulnerable.  For a narcissist, vulnerability is unthinkable.  The opposite of great.  Very bad.

“Diversity” is a lovely word, reflecting the enormous amount of variation, heterogeneity, multiplicity, assortment, mélange, range, and multifariousness.  Vive la différence.  The CDC could simply substitute “la différence” for “diversity”; Trump would probably ignore it, thinking it was a reference to cheese.

I had to research why the CDC might use the word “entitlement.”  Ooh!  I get to quote Wikipedia!  “An entitlement is a provision made in accordance with a legal framework of a society.  Typically, entitlements are based on concepts of principle (‘rights’) which are themselves based in concepts of social equality or enfranchisement.”  Here are some sentences that can replace the word “entitlement” in next year’s budget:

“Trump hates children.”

“Trump hates libraries and public schools – #TooSocialist #Sad”

“Trump thinks the ‘unalienable rights’ apply only to rich white men.”

“Trump would kill your pet bunny and force an indentured servant to turn it into golf club head covers.”

It’s only right that the Trump administration be banned from using seven words.  Turnabout is fair play.  Might I suggest:

1)   fake

2)   pussy

3)   God

4)   all superlatives, particularly “huge,” “tremendous,” “epic,” “great,” “Great,” & “Great!”

5)   Hillary

6)   Clinton’s

7)   Emails

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