I Fought the Mall and the Mall Won

Let me make my position on the Mall of America patently clear:

I Hate It.

Yesterday, the Big E and his friend, who coincidentally shares the same name, dragged me to the Mall.  Their deep research into the topic had revealed that the MOA is a happening spot for Pokemon Go.

I kicked.  I screamed.  I whined.  I protested.  And eventually I said fine.  I’ll go with you for One Hour.  Seriously, it was like I’d suddenly produced a real live unicorn.  > Poof <

We parked in Georgia and walked into the Sears entrance.  Surely, the Mall can’t, in fact, be a hellmouth if it’s anchored in the northeast corner by Sears.

The Big Es were happy as Pikas in a Pokeball.  They wandered hither and yon, among the kiosks, through the massive indoor Nickelodeon Universe amusement park, around the potted palms.  They ran into a particularly wonderful situation outside of three consecutive cosmetics stores.  “Mama!  We both caught a Blastoise!”  I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it’s good.

While they searched out mythical beings, I played my own game of Guess the Diagnosis.  Here’s what I saw:

1) many probable pre-diabetics and some actual diabetics

2) the diabetics/pre-diabetics were also likely hypertensive and dyslipidemic

3) polycystic ovarian syndrome in a couple young women

4) pregnancy – lots of it, like a whole epidemic

5) anorexia in one young man : (

6) sex trafficking – I didn’t see it, or didn’t realize I was seeing it, but there’s good reason I chaperoned The Big Es.

7) one definite hardcore smoker plus a handful of casual smokers

8) one definite methamphetamine addict

9) likely many prescription drug addicts – they’re harder to spot

10) a couple cases of osteoporosis

11) MANY broken ankles waiting to happen – what’s up with the Illogical Footwear Choices, ladies?

12) lots of nice, loving, normal human interaction – very refreshing indeed!  People were happy yesterday, and were treating their partners, kids, friends like we should all the time…

On the drive home, I reminisced about the Days of Yore when I’d go dancing at the MOA and my hair would reek of cigarettes for forty days.  Thank you to the authors of the Minnesota Clean Indoor Air Act.

My bottom line is if I have to be stuck in the Mall of America for an hour on one of the most glorious fall days ever, I’m glad I’m stuck with two boys who are only in it for the Pokemon.

Musical Moment


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