Go, Thief!

Dear Thief:

You waltzed into our fenced yard in the dead of night, tromped over and around the nice obstacle course of gardening materials that I left in your path, opened the back door of the garage, and made off with three bikes.  Two of them were vintage Bianchis.  I’m frankly astonished that you made it into the garage without falling into the three-foot pit The Big E dug.  Congratulations!

The day before you purloined our property, I was standing in the driveway, surveying the nightmare that is our garage, and a White man drove by in a White truck and looked me over with a scowl – like full-on assessment – looked me over and scanned the garage, too.  I thought it was weird at the time.  (I should pay more attention when I think things are weird.)  He, or should I say you, slowly drove on down the alley.  Did I get your license plate?  Nope.

You’re right.  We didn’t need those bikes.  And it’s nice that you didn’t try to take the bike hanging above Ace’s newish Subaru.  Downright considerate of you.  That could’ve been a royal mess.

We have a pretty big per-occurrence deductible on our insurance, so that’s the end of the bike story.

Here’s the deal: you forgot some stuff.

1) There’s a real sweet ping-pong table in the garage.  Don’t know how you missed it.  A couple sheets of plywood with handpainted lines.  It would look awesome in the back of your truck.

2) The pile of wooden skis.  Dude, they were right by the door.  I just don’t know how you could walk away.

3) Boxes of chairs.  Yes, boxes of chairs.  All broken down and ready for rehabilitation.  Seriously, how can you pass up this money-making venture?  Ace would never have to know – it could be our little secret…

4) Piles of debris waiting to go to the thrift store.  I recently helped a friend clean out his hoarding mother’s apartment.  We have plenty of office supplies, books, and umbrellas.  Maybe you need an umbrella for your nocturnal adventures?  Post-it notes?  Beanie Babies?

5) Shingles.  Are you planning any home improvement projects with the funds secured from the sale of our bikes?  We have a ton of shingles.  Probably a literal ton.

6) Oh, and rocks.  I always have rocks and I’m happy to share.

Let me know, man.  We can schedule a time for pickup in your pickup.


Anne, Homeowner


Musical Moment 

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