Q & A In which I am interviewed, no, interrogated by Caroline, a character from Fret.
Caroline: You’re late.
Me: It’s 11:20.
Caroline: You were supposed to codify your responses in August.
Me: Well you were tied up with rodeo and violin and volunteering.
Caroline: (eye roll) You forgot swimming and bookclub. Let’s get the stupid ones out of the way. Favorite color?
Caroline: Favorite food? Geez, who wrote these questions? I’m going off script. Do you have any disclosures you wish to make?
Me: No one pays me to endorse anything.
Caroline: Are you really a doctor? Like licensed, bonded, and insured?
Me: Yes, I’m a family doctor licensed in the state of Minnesota.
Caroline: How many penises have you examined in your career? A rough estimate will suffice.
Me: Can you think of a more appropriate question?
Caroline: Look, I’m thirteen. This information is both intriguing and developmentally predictable.
Me: Liney, you’re ten. And my favorite food is chocolate ganache on a shortbread crust.
Caroline: Fine. Do you practice medicine in a clinic setting?
Me: I did for eight years. Now I work part-time helping hospitals learn to better support breastfeeding.
Caroline: Elliot had an arduous time learning to latch properly. I assisted my mother with positioning.
Me: Of course you did.
Caroline: Will you be offering samples of controlled substances at any future events?
Caroline: Why do you assiduously assemble novel content into grammatically-bound phrases, sentences, and paragraphs?
Caroline: (heavy sigh) Why do you write?
Me: I write for kicks. And if I don’t write I get peevish.
Caroline: So you write to avoid undesirable emotional and behavioral effects?
Me: I’d say more to enjoy the positive effects.
Caroline: Thank you. Moving on. If I put your iPod on shuffle, which three bands would get the most play?
Me: What iPod? I like my music with a functioning subwoofer. If you put our entire 400 CD behemoth on shuffle, you’d likely listen to Ella Fitzgerald, Ramblin’ Jack Elliott, U2, Dave Van Ronk, and Stevie Ray Vaughan. Plus Utah Phillips, Bonnie Raitt, and a smattering of Bob Dylan.
Caroline: Anyone from this century?
Me: I play Maclemore and Ryan Lewis, Lorde, Fun, Mika, and Muse when my family’s out of the house.
Caroline: During which year did you cross the rainbow bridge?
Me: Isn’t that what dogs do when they croak?
Caroline: (shakes head, exasperated) When were you born? You know, how old are you?
Me: I stayed up past my bedtime to watch the world premiere of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video on MTV.
Caroline: Could you be more obtuse?
Me: Sure. We had a rotary dial landline in my home growing up.
Caroline: I’m sure you’ll be tremendously astonished to learn that we still have one. Hey, in the sequel can you pencil me in a cell phone and a Kindle? I bet Gus would give me his old iPod. And don’t forget about my electric guitar. Kat said she’d teach me.
Me: I’ll consider –
Caroline: (cutting in) Have you written any other books? I don’t know why you’d choose to spend your time with other people. I mean Kat’s the finest personification of righteous awesomeness. Do you really think she’ll teach me to play?
Me: You’ll have to negotiate with her directly. To answer your question, yes. I’ve written a new adult book called Human Anatomy.
Caroline: Do you feature many penises?
Me: Dang, you’re feisty today.
Caroline: You have only yourself to blame. I’d like to conclude by eliciting one final morsel of information.
Me: Go for it.
Caroline: Do you dwell with any macroscopic organisms to which you are phenotypically unrelated?
Me: Um. We have a pomeranian, a yellow lab, and a few houseplants.
Caroline: What do you think of Obamacare?
Me: I thought you were done.
Caroline: Are you hesitant to express your political opinions?
Me: I prefer to discuss politics, religion, vaccination science, abortion, global warming, and the re-invention of the Twinkie in person.
Caroline: So if someone asks you for whom you voted in the 2012 presidential election how will you respond?
Caroline: Wimp. This is Caroline Swanson-Clark, signing off…