Okay people! Let ‘s start out with six laps around the studio. Remember, this movie is about RUNNING – running away from bad guys, running to bad guys, running to catch trains, running to outrun trains. Speaking of which – Theo, I want you to keep working on that long jump. You’ve got a train to out-jump. Kate, you can skip the running. Why don’t you practice standing still in those heels. Maybe you could try a few short steps if your skirt will allow it. Hey! Can someone give Ansel a hand?
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CGI folks: Remember, we want to maximize motion sickness, even in the regular screenings. And for 3-D and IMAX? Make your goal the complete evacuation of the stomach contents of every single viewer. Barf bags with every ticket!
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Costumes! We need something sexier on Shai. And less cloth. Yeah, a vest. A vest with a zipper! It doesn’t need to look practical, it just has to look good. What girl doesn’t want to run around running while she’s running off to start a revolution in tight pants and a zip-up vest?
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So Theo. Can you do that thing – no not the head butt thing. (Get a bandaid on that extra, please.) That smolder thing with the eyebrow and lower lip and stuff? Yeah. Do that. I hear it drives the leddies wild.
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Makeup! Please come out here immediately and fix Naomi’s eyeshadow. More badass rebel leader and less prom queen. A gal can’t lead a rebellion without the proper face!
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Guys – quit bugging me about Evelyn’s age. I realize that Naomi looks more like Theo’s sister but she’s 46 people! She could be Theo’s mother. Barely, I know, but she could be. Screenwriters – how ’bout if we make Evelyn say, “I was young.” Will that do it? Are you happy now?
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Who’s whining about diversity in Hollywood? We’ve got a girl in the lead, for crissakes. Yeah, I know all the main characters look white. But Theo’s from England so he doesn’t really count, right? And we have Octavia Spencer, Daniel Dae Kim, Mekhi Phifer, and Zoe Kravitz. What? Their combined screen time is only three minutes? Fine. Increase it to four.
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Miles. Give it a rest, dude. No one cares about Peter’s motivation. He just switches sides – good bad good bad. All the time. Period. That’s the way it is. Suck it up.
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EXTRAS! Please report to the kitchen to help chop vegetables for the Amity scenes.
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Jai, think hot. Hot and evil. And evil. Really evil. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. But hot. Definitely hot.
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MAKEUP!!! Looks like we need to fix Shai’s eyeshadow, too. Not too subtle. We want her looking runway-ready while she sleeps.
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Oh. PG-13. Right. I guess we can’t show the bullet hitting the head when Four executes Eric. So we’ll cut away at the last second, then show him motionless on the floor in a pile of blood. Yeah, that’ll be great. But we don’t want Four brooding about it because in this world, violence creates no existential angst! Yippee!
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Kate – how’s it going in those heels? Lookin’ good. No ankle sprain yet? Awesome!
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Aright. Places for the sexy funtimes Four-Tris scene. The rest of you, stick around. This’ll only take about 16 seconds. Shai, can you move your eyes back and forth, back and forth, super fast while you look at Theo? Yeah, like that. Now you do it, Theo. That’s romantic, right? And kiss for a couple seconds… Whoa! Too much skin. CUT! Let’s stick to killing, not kissing. We don’t want to alienate our youngest fans.
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Shai! Shai! Back away from the kale salad! You’re supposed to hate being stuck in Amity! Repeat after me: “I hate Amity. I hate Amity. I no longer make my own shampoo. I hate Amity.”
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Get me the screenwriters. Please please please. We need more comic relief at inappropriate moments.
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No no. Kill her, Evelyn. Kill Janine. I know it’s not that way in the book but we want the audience to have a reason to clap. Kill her.
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And for the ending. Everyone run!!!!! Run for the wall! Run over all that blown-up cement. The wall is your salvation! Beyond the wall, there are intact buildings and music and fields of poppies! Think Les Miserables meets World War Z. Run!
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