Welcome Gentle Readers!
Today we will explore how to create a festive and inviting home environment even as we start in on a new gastric ulcer courtesy of #TaxBill2017.
1) Caloric Requirements:
During the halcyon days of the Obama administration, many of us managed to pick up a few extra pounds during the month of December. Ho ho ho! and a bottle of rum, indeed. Due to the constant activation of our collective renin-angiotensin-aldosterone system under the current administration, please anticipate heightened caloric needs. We estimate that the average “liberal” adult will require additional daily calories in the following approximation: 4″ x 5″ section of ginger bread house (preferably heavily decorated with corn syrup frosting and petrochemical gumdrops), hot toddy (1), Four Calling Birds, 1/3 Costco tub of Nutella, 24 ounces eggnog (spiked), and a handful of candy canes purloined from a co-worker’s desk.
2) Set the Bar – Low, and with adequate glassware:
I’ve noticed an alarming trend amongst legitimate lifestyle bloggers, who hold that minimalism, not cleanliness, is next to godliness. These paragons of style espouse KonMari-ing and Swedish Death Cleaning as a way of life. Regular, everyday life.
I’m here to tell you, there is nothing more stressful than walking into a friend’s home for a holiday gathering and noting that everything is in perfect order, with nary a whiff of clutter. This year, especially this year, I plan to help our guests feel more at-home, and perhaps even domestically-enabled, by leaving our clutter pristinely intact.
3) Making Due – Bootstraps Decor:
Some families celebrate Christmas by hacking down living, breathing trees, strapping them to their cars like slaughtered game, slapping them in shallow bowls full of chemical-laden water that their macerated phloem and xylem can’t even slurp up, and discarding them within a couple weeks like last year’s iPhone.
Why not use one of the houseplants you’ve killed over the past year instead? I happened to kill a charming specimen early this fall, a miniature evergreen Japanese Holly called “Brass Buckle.” It survived outdoors from May through September thanks to consistent rainfall. I replanted it as a land/water bonsai, so charming, and brought it inside, whereupon I completely forgot about it.
The dead specimen makes a perfect miniature Christmas tree! I simply decorated it with found objects and gave it a light dusting of artificial snow. #SoFestive!
I’m sure most of you have seen the photos of Melania Trump’s Christmas decor at the White House. You, too, can create a lovely DIY version of the Hall of White Branches With Ominous Ceiling Shadows! I chopped down some of our existing shrubbery and propped it up on the front porch at jaunty angles.
The suspended wicker furniture adds the necessary element of foreboding so integral to FLOTUS’ vision.
That’s the limit of Holiday Cheer I can muster at the moment. Please chime in with your ideas for how to make the season bright.