I feel like I’m about to be mowed down by a high-speed train filled to the brim with radioactive orange sludge. Maybe you feel the same way. Here are some ideas for what we can do under such circumstances:
1) Cover your head and just pray it’ll be quick and painless. No, no, no. GET UP OFF THOSE TRACKS!
2) Jump aboard the train. Not a viable option. Like, at all. Try again.
3) Check the train schedule and hope against hope that there’s been some colossal misunderstanding and the locomotive bearing down on you is, in fact, the HillBilly Express, or the San Bern-adino Ambassador.
4) Dig a hole next to the tracks, line it with leaves and grass, and hibernate for the next four years.
5) Demand an inspection of the train. Is it truly carrying what it’s supposed to be carrying?
6) Quickly hacksaw the tracks, causing massive, explosive derailment. Sad.
7) Rewind the earth, à la Superman, going back, oh, about two or three years.
8) Instantaneously arrange for a stationary train to suddenly appear on the very same track, preferably a train filled with raw sewage and prion disease. And get out of the way. Fast.
9) Donate to Planned Parenthood. Get off the tracks first.
10) Run screaming in the other direction, preferably Northward! To Ottawa. (I hear they skate to work on the frozen canal. Delightful!)
11) Utilize the “Petrificus Totalus” spell at first. Then gather the Patroni of rational people, the incarnations of any remaining shreds of hope, joy, and optimism, and send them out as emissaries of positive change.
12) Do the hard work of hailing the train, routing it onto safe pathways, protecting people and animals and the environment and education and the Arts and healthcare and culture and spirituality and industry and innovation from the toxic sludge, and methodically work from one car to the next, scrubbing out the misogyny, racism, anti-Semitism, homophobia, ableism, xenophobia, and caustic ignorance.
What would you add to the list?