1000 Friday 5/27: Ground Control – this is Major Mom. I just wanted to let you know that The Big E has decided to spend the weekend at a friend’s cabin. Without me. Naturally, I will personally drop him off in the helicopter on Saturday around noon. Would you be so kind as to check the area for air congestion, tornados, monsoons, forest fires, tsunami, earthquakes, flash flooding, flying unicorns, and etc.? Thank you for your kind assistance.
0316 Saturday 5/28: Ground Control – Major Mom again. Did anything turn up? If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume we’re good to go.
1003 Saturday 5/28: Ground Control this is Major Mom. We are in the air. Had a bit of a delayed start after discovering that The Big E had only packed his Nerf arsenal. Supplemented his bags with the bare essentials including bee sting kit, four-person waterproof tent, freeze-dried rations to last a month, twenty ounces of pure zinc oxide, a bear bell, inflatable raft, a six pack of platelets, and several units of O negative.
1134 Saturday 5/28: Ground Control – It’s Major Mom. We are circling over the cabin and I’m concerned by the close proximity of Highway 8. Perhaps you could re-direct traffic? Until Tuesday would be most convenient.
1145 Saturday 5/28: The Eagle has landed! Major Mom again, on the ground now assessing the conditions. I find the cabin to be recently remodeled with a reassuring overabundance of smoke detectors. The Big E settled right in with nary a backward glance. On-site personnel include five boys under the age of 12, one Father-In-Charge, and one Uncle. I’m moderately concerned with the lack of a female presence and elected to drop off the Expanded First Aid Kit.
1235 Saturday 5/28: I’ve been dispatched to Walmart to purchase Nerf ammunition and C batteries. Please alert me to any low-flying aircraft.
1324 Saturday 5/28: Ground Control, this is Major Mom. Upon my return, I discovered that the seven males in residence had annihilated two pizzas. Frozen pizzas. Non-organic, fake-cheese frozen pizzas. They were kind enough to save me a piece. I ate it. And I liked it. Thank you for your discretion.
1348 Saturday 5/28: I attempted to kiss The Big E goodbye. I will remain in the area for a couple hours, hovering, in case my services are needed. Kindly alert me to any changing conditions.
1557 Saturday 5/28: Ground Control? Ground Control are you there? I’ve heard nothing from you or the Father-In-Charge so I’m assuming the communication tower must have been knocked out by the blinding sunlight. Are you there? Oh, you are. And everything’s fine. Oh. Okay then. I guess I’ll head home.
1742 Saturday 5/28: Major Mom to Ground Control. I landed. I’m hoping your utter lack of communication signals your complete confidence in my abilities and not the decimation of your crew by the Ebola virus.
1800 Saturday 5/28: I neglected to check the water conditions! Ground Control, I’m unable to find any recent reports on the water in Deer Lake. Do any of your contacts have access to such classified materials? What? You’re only concerned with air quality? Hmph.
2254 Saturday 5/28: Major Mom to Ground Control. My Google satellite images are suboptimal at best. Do you detect any unexplained clouds of smoke in the vicinity of Deer Lake? No? Good.
2256 Saturday 5/28: Are you sure?
2257 Saturday 5/28: Stop ignoring me.
2259 Saturday 5/28: You know, two can play this game.
2348 Saturday 5/28: Fine. You win. Parking the helicopter.