The Ace Transducer

My husband, Ace, doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day, says he doesn’t want to be manipulated by our consumerist culture into professing ebullient emotions in a manner befitting an extrovert.  Those are my words.  He’d say, “I don’t like it when people tell me what to do.”  Ace speaks a different language of love: everyday pragmatism.

When our love was fresh, we often required a translator.  I had little experience with practical men.  My previous boyfriends drove motorcycles, up and moved to LA, and made art.  Ace arrived on our first (blind) date in his summer uniform – a button-down white oxford shirt (untucked), blue elastic waist shorts, and sensible shoes.  I interpreted his ensemble to mean that he lacked interest.  In me.  I found out several years later that he had carefully selected a newer old oxford shirt and the blue shorts without holes.  Romantic everyday pragmatism.

Ace is not prone to fits of superfluity.  His list of approved adjectives may appear to be somewhat narrow.  My adjectives tend toward the extreme: amazing! awful! hideous! gorgeous! disgusting!  This was somewhat difficult for us initially.

One day, as I contemplated the true meaning of “You look nice,” it came to me.  THE ACE TRANSDUCER.  I fed his words into the transducer and the true meaning spat out the other side.  ”You are the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen!”

This transducer is a remarkably handy little imaginary gadget.  Here are some examples of the transducer’s work:

His words: “This stew is okay.”

After the transducer: “Holy crap!  I’ve never tasted anything as delectable as this concoction.  You are a culinary goddess.”

His words: “My day was a little rough.”

After the transducer: “Everyone was incredibly sick with life-threatening conditions, all my colleagues were totally stressed out, and I almost ran over an elephant on the way home.”

His words: (nothing because he’s out shoveling snow)

After the transducer: “I shovel this snow as a sign of my love.  I shovel it three times DURING a snowstorm not as a sign of my anal snow-shoveling tendencies, but as a sign of my PROFOUND love for you.  This pristine ice-free pavement is proof that I LOVE YOU from here to eternity!!!!!!”

Does your beloved speak your love language?  Or might you benefit from a Beloved Transducer?

Musical Moment

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