10) I decorate with dead animals. While some folks appreciate my roadkill taxidermy collection, others find it creepy at best, nasty at worst.
9) My relationship with food. I love food. I particularly love when other people cook food. The Big E enjoys expressing his opinions about the meals Ace and I lovingly prepare. ”This is too spicy.” ”Grandma’s is better.” We’re working on diplomatic responses to less personally palatable selections. ”Thank you for cooking supper dear Mother.” Or blessed silence. I take a deep breath and remind myself that the 1.5 hours I spent making dinner was not wasted time.
My biggest problem with cooking is that everything turns into poop. I cook. People complain. And then they poop out the fruits of my labor. If they could poop snowflakes or gold nuggets it might ease my pain.
8) Family. The lifestyle bloggers who claim to have children and partners, yet still post pictures of clean houses and pretty plates, ARE LYING. Their families actually LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE, like the garage or the basement, and they eat takeout three meals a day from paper plates.
7) Husband As Subject. Speaking of family. Ace is an Introvert, as in “I hate people.” I asked him to clarify for The Big E that he doesn’t, in fact, actually hate people. E assured me that he knows Pop is teasing. Additionally, Ace hates shopping. His entire wardrobe comes from Steeple People Thrift Store and he rejects many items. ”It was binding me.” Read: “It fit me properly, therefore it was uncomfortable and I hated it.”
6) Husband As Photographer. My Midwestern sensibilities balk at the idea of posting more than one picture of myself per month. Ace has many lovely talents. Photography is not one of them. He either moves as he takes the picture or accidentally photobombs the scene.
5) Comfort over style, function over form. I shop at a thrift store. Elastic waistbands are the universe’s way of congratulating us for reaching middle age. Never let aesthetics make an aes out of you!
3) My Writing Table.
The allure of the empty horizontal surface calls to me across generations. Grandma Lima, Dad, and I are genetically programmed to obscure all horizontal surfaces within twenty-four hours. The Big E inherited this trait as well. I want my writing muse to visit BUT SHE CAN’T FIND ME!
2) Chester the Yellow Labrador Retriever. All horizontal surfaces grow stuff and then Chester leaves a nice dusting of fur, like sprinkles on a cake. Never misunderestimate the destructive powers of a lab puppy. The lifestyle bloggers who claim to have dogs borrow adorable pooches from friends, spray them with clear Krylon to control the fur, sedate and photograph them, and send them home.
Musical Moment (for those who don’t mind swearing, etc.)
Musical Moment (for those who do)